you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
