the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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