So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
