God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your shirt... Was in my pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
