If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
