Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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