i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
