So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize