I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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