Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
FUCK WHALES
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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