I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Randomize
