Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
