we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
