I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
