Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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