please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
