Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
