Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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