Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
