I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
