I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
