when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
