New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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