Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
