The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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