im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
