I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
