Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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