I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
