I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
