so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
