the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize