1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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