I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I love you. Go after that dick
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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