I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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