You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
