My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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