FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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