i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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