Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
