i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
