I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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