there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
