turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
