mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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