Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My ass is underappreciated
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
