I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
