i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
