ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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