peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
