I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
