The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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