broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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