i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
