I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize