in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is my gift to your gina
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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