Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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