the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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